Welcome to the April Fools’ issue! All of the stories in this Antelope newspaper are entirely fake. Everything. From shutting down because of construction to Chef Gordon Ramsey taking over the cafeteria. The Stella the Ghost story… we’re not so sure about that one. But every other story is completely made up. Please read, laugh and enjoy our editorial. 

Friends, Lopers, campus officials, lend us your ears. 

The Antelope student newspaper is running for student government under the political party known as the Campus Undergrad Leaders of Tomorrow. 

Our editor-in-chief, Grace McDonald is running as the president with our managing editor Mackenzie Krumland as her vice president. We are also supported by several editors/cabinet members.

Please review our list of brilliant campaign items:

Student Uniforms

Lopers need some serious drip to set us apart from the other Nebraska University students. Sweaters are cozy and professional, so all UNK members should start filling their closets now. The school’s reputation would also benefit from mandatory Lope-throwing as greetings. Failure to throw one’s Lopes will result in being transferred to one of the sister universities.

Wet campus

In order to make campus a better place, UNK will become a wet campus when we’re in charge. To achieve a wet campus, we will install more sprinklers, faucets, hoses and water balloon dispensers for watering greenery and for spontaneous water fights. Together, we can help our “green” space actually live up to its name. 

No School Friday

When we take office, our cabinet will restructure class schedules and cut classes completely from Fridays. This action will allow students more time to binge streaming services, or- uh, focus on their studies. It will also allow faculty members a break from ungrateful college students.

Health and Sports Center Video Board

We absolutely, 100%, cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-die promise to install a new video board in the Health and Sports Center. This video board will be visible to all four sides of the crowd. Who knows! Perhaps this addition is already installed. That’s how quickly The Antelope works as a student government team. 

Living Conveniently

Day after day, walking up the cafeteria steps can be exhausting, which is why we’re installing escalators and moving sidewalks. Because longboards have grown in popularity, we also plan to replace bike racks with longboard racks. Another addition campus so desperately needs is a spikeball arena, so students can enjoy their Fridays off by serving into the sunset.

If students vote for us, we promise to serve UNK well as Campus Undergrad Leaders of Tomorrow. Thank you for supporting our dictatorship, er, um- our democracy and Go Lopers!