The Student News Site of University of Nebraska at Kearney

The Antelope

The Antelope

The Antelope

Campus is perfect and there is absolutely nothing wrong

This is the Antelope’s April Fool’s edition. Photo illustration by Grace McDonald / Antelope Staff

Welcome to the perfect campus, where students have nothing to complain about because absolutely nothing is wrong. Yet, somehow the pesky Antelope menaces always find something to whine about the paradise they reside in. 

Here are some reasons why we love UNK, and very, very few ideas of how campus could be improved: 

Less parking. More green space!

Pedro Calderon de la Barco once said, “Green is the primary color of the world, and that is from which its loveliness arises.” Now we have no idea who Barco is, but we couldn’t agree more.

Green space has so many uses, such as picnicking, gardening, and… um…. keeping students from parking their dirty, emission-producing cars on our clean campus. 

Buy a bike. 

Cafeteria Food = 5 out of 5 Lopers

If the courageous adventurers Louis and Clark survived by eating their horses, college students should easily be thriving on cafeteria food. The quality will be greatly increased after Long John Silver’s replaces Chick-fil-A.

More time dedicated to construction.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from the tortoise and the hair, it’s the fact that slow and steady wins the race. Seriously, what’s the rush? We say tack on a year to every construction project to really focus on those fine details. It’s not like current students are going anywhere. 

Declining enrollment? Not a problem.

According to Best Colleges, the Great Recession fostered a low birthrate that will cause a huge drop in enrollment for colleges in 2025 (this is true btw). We put our heads together to solve this head-scratcher of a dilemma, and we’ve come to the conclusion that the best solution is to really just have more babies. 

Our football team sucks.

Nuff said.

Keep campus dark.

We were thrilled to see chunks of cement recently torn out of Parking Lot 10. This was a step toward fixing our surplus of parking spots. However, these spots were replenished when new lighting was installed. 

It’s obvious that this university sees darkness as a safety risk. But like Bane, we were born in it, molded by it.

Plus, less on-campus lighting means better games of hide-and-seek. 

Philosophy is in. Bring it back.

We’ve received word from an anonymous, but reliable, source that a new philosophy factory is opening in Downtown Kearney. And they are in dire need of philosophers to manufacture new thoughts and theories about the natural and unnatural world. 

Since the philosophy job market will exponentially grow, it’s time to cut useless and unneeded majors like communications and education.

Every single UNK official declined to comment.

Leave a Comment
Donate to The Antelope

Your donation will support the student journalists of University of Nebraska at Kearney . Your contribution will allow us to purchase equipment and cover our annual website hosting costs.

More to Discover
Donate to The Antelope

Comments (0)

All The Antelope Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *