You can’t spell crunk without UNK. 

That’s why we at the Antelope are quitting the news business to jump into a full time BandCamp and SoundCloud gig!!

We’ll be rocking the Mitchell Center in no time with our sick beats and mad skills. 

Call it punk, call it crunk, just don’t call it funk!!! We’re bringing back the dead with our debut hit single “Bad News”, which just landed No. 4 on the hip-hop charts and No. 20 on the alt-rock dogheep, and that’s cause we got the baddest group of new wave vandals since 400 A.D.!!!!

We’re talkin’ BIG checks and LIL titles! We got Lil Mack, Lil Gem, Lil Owen — and that’s just the start; we got Lil Cass and Lil Mari and Lil Real Big Super Extra Triple Doctor Double R; and of course we got yours truly, Lil MC DJ 2X XL Mr. Mitx Jr. 

We’re headed on our first tour this week, with dates in laundromats and Denny’s parking lots across the state, where it’s our personal mission from Double R’s great-aunt Janet to make the biggest, most degenerate, sugar-sweat-greased, bloodsoaked battlemosh of all time! 

We’re going to put those metalheads and pitkids to shame with how EPIC and CRUNK this pit will be! We’re talking about a once in a lifetime, whole city of LA size mass cage fight. Bring your busted baseball bats and beat-up bike chain — you don’t wanna miss this for anything! It’s gonna be EPIC!

Keep with us and we’ll make you the crunkest punk this side of UNK! Look forward to our upcoming big projects “Down With Oxford Commas,” “Beating the Beat” and “Gunning ‘Til Deadline” coming to Spotify and SoundCloud this summer!!!!!!!!!!!! Bring your cheap earbuds and leave the sound system at home cause it won’t do anything more for you than good old-fashioned listening holes! 

Enjoy some of the lyrics from our hit single. Keep an ear out for more material to come. Time to rock this world with our words. 

(Please note: We love our jobs, and none of the articles in this issue are real. We just wanted to publish a creative issue. Please don’t fire us. We’ll be back next week. Happy April Fools’ Day!)

“Bad News!”

We’re packing it up and  we’re headed home.

Make like an Antelope and off we roam.

Gonna’ start a band and see where we go

We got Gem and Mack and the man Big O.

Now say hello to the rest of the crew.

Range has the videos ready to view.

And Cass is workin’ hard at the front of show

There’s MC Mitch always ready to throw.

Yeah, we bring bad news like never before

Thank you UNK, but we’re out the door.