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The Antelope

The Antelope

Campus squirrels jump at opportunity to become new mascot

Photo+illustration+by+Josie+McCormick
Photo illustration by Josie McCormick

dailya@lopers.unk.edu

Things aren’t looking too good for the antelopes. The UNK Communication and Marketing team decided to get a new mascot for UNK: the squirrels.  

The announcement received backlash from students and staff, and war was waged between the antelopes and the squirrels.

“We ultimately decided it was time for an updated look,” said Boris Clover, director of UNK’s Communication and Marketing. “Not only for the slogan but for our mascot as well who has served our campus for several decades.”

UNK was split in two as students, staff, squirrels and antelopes chose sides. The raging antelopes vs. the squirrels. Each side sabotaged the other with a variety of pranks from graffiti to flooding buildings. The pranks escalated.

“I joined the raging antelopes because they are cool and are way better than some small, silly squirrel,” said Dana Terrance, a freshman at UNK. 

Students like Terrance are picking sides and staff can be seen doing so as well.

“I choose to join the squirrels because they are faster and way better than some average antelope that just sits around and eats grass all day,” said Breeding Robert, a professor of communication history at UNK. 

Students and staff alike are taking the civil mascot war so seriously that it has caused property damage to campus buildings including the library. 

“Students decided that setting off a glitter stink bomb in the library was a good idea,” said Jennifer Sunbelt, librarian at Calvin T. Ryan Library. “It has caused major damage to the structure of the building, resulting in an early remodel.”

The resulting chaos forced UNK Chancellor Koug Dristensen to speak out about the civil mascot war.

“I knew I had to set an example for other students and staff as this proclamation of mascot war was getting out of hand,” Chancellor Dristensen said. “I ultimately wanted this war to end, but at what cost will it take to put it to rest?”

It was up to UNK to solve this problem with the ultimate fight of the century: a full-on capture the flag but with paintball. Fighting could occur across campus, but anything outside was off-limits. With the date set for March 1, 2024, the two opposing sides geared up for the fight of their lives. 

The day finally arrived with students, staff members and even the lunch lady standing their ground, preparing for the ultimate battle. When the school bell rang, the game was on. 

Both sides pushed against the other with the raging antelope taking over most of the east side of campus while the squirrels conquered the west side of campus.

The squirrels held onto the west side of campus. Each splatter of paint and each advancement ended with the antelopes claiming victory over the squirrels and taking back their place as the true mascot of UNK. 

DISCLAIMER: This story is a part of our annual April Fools’ issue, this story is not real. Happy April Fools’ Day!

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