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The UNK dining staff has welcomed Gordon Ramsay as new head chef. Ramsay accepted the role after being fired from Hell’s Kitchen due to an ‘incident.’ 

Stewart Martha, UNK food service manager, listed the qualities that led to Ramsay being hired. 

“Well of course I had to look at his level of expertise,” Martha said. “But I also realized that the UNK dining hall needed some improvement… especially when he tried a piece of our pizza and gagged for 15 minutes.” 

Ramsay is already planning a new menu for UNK’s dining hall, The Graze. There are rumors that he will incorporate more sophisticated dishes. Ramsay plans on using ingredients like haggis, Spam, the cockroaches from Men’s Hall and the tears of college students. 

The UNK dining staff held their first meeting with Ramsay on March 17. During the meeting, he reportedly insulted 25 staff members. One staff member was so disturbed he left sobbing. 

Flobby Bay, UNK’s assistant chef, described what Ramsay said about UNK’s dining program that made him cry.

“Ramsay said to us: ‘no wonder so many of your students skip class, they’re too busy s——- their pants,’” Bay said. “He also said that ‘our chicken is so undercooked that it could jump up and join one of the intramural teams.’”  

Ramsay will live on campus in Antelope Hall. UNK requires roommate applicants to take a psychological evaluation in order to “match compatibility.” Those with excessive anger issues will be placed higher in the ranking. Guy Fieri agreed to room with Ramsay if no students sign up by fall 2022. Fieri hopes to be Ramsay’s partner in crime in “taking students to Flavortown.”

Ray Rachelson, a junior at UNK, shared his encounter with Ramsay while sampling the new dishes in the dining hall. 

“I was trying the mashed potatoes he made, and I mentioned that it had a little too much salt,” Rachelson said. “Before I knew it, he had grabbed the pan of mashed potatoes and threw it at the wall. I’ve never been that terrified in my entire life… but I was still hungry so I scooped a plateful of it from the wall.” 

The UNK dining staff admitted that training has been difficult, yet Ramsay’s arrival has brought unexpected generosity. Ramsay is organizing a culinary program for students at UNK. Ramsay decided to name the program ‘Teaching Idiot Sandwiches.’ 

The program will be entirely funded by Ramsay and the 3-year-old Tik Tok chef, Ilirian Kameraj. There is no current location for the culinary class, but Chick-fil-A has offered to share its back kitchen. 

Russell Sprout, a freshman that attended the program’s first meeting, discussed ideas Ramsay had about the lack of supplies/location. 

“I have to say, Ramsay is a scary guy, but he’s determined,” Sprout said. “We don’t really have enough funds for supplies, but he said that we have some hearty squirrels on campus that should watch their backs.” 

If Ramsay succeeds in the position and leads the program well, UNK plans to have Ramsay host a cook-off against other Nebraska universities. Possible competitors include Wayne State College, University of Nebraska Lincoln and Creighton University. 

Sprout spoke about the confidence he has in UNK competing against other schools.

“Yeah, Creighton may be full of doctors and so what UNL got to have a Yung Gravy concert,” Sprout said. “I think UNK has a real chance of winning if we do this… Ramsay even said himself that all we need is a ‘miracle.’”