UNK is set to demolish the Cope Fountain and replace it with monitors that will loop a video of the fountain.
This comes as a result of many complaints that the fountain isn’t on during the winter. To combat this, the University has decided to get rid of the fountain altogether and replace it with something that can be enjoyed year-round.
“In lieu of many complaints this university has received about the fountain not being turned on during the winter, we have decided to tear it all down,” said Barles Chicak, interim chancellor. “It’s time that we step into the modern era and do away with such primitive things like a fountain with real water.”
The University, despite possibly facing major budget cuts in the near future, has decided to spend the money it currently has. The University argued that they should spend the money they have because there are no consequences.
“Might as well spend while we can,” Bicak said. “What are they going to do? Give us less money?”
Students have had mixed opinions on this reveal.
“At least it’ll be something to look at,” said one confused student. “I mean, I kind of wanted a real working fountain with real water, but I guess this is good too.”
Jenna Heinz, another student at UNK, had a different opinion.
“At the very least, we will be using less water,” Heinz said.
Students have begun taking pictures of the fountain and posting them online with the captions #MakeItWorkAgain and #WhatsThePoint. Other students have done the same with the captions #TurnItOn and #StopTheScrap.
Construction is set to begin in a few weeks, and it will most likely shut down the entire walking space for about a year.
“We intend on making promises that won’t be kept,” said Elon Musk, the project’s construction manager. “You may or may not have functioning screens that may or may not display a looping video of the fountain.”
There has been pushback from the squirrel community on campus, claiming that the construction will disrupt their patterns of mooching off of students. Speaker of the squirrels, Louis Lope, has been the main opposition.
“No one ever thinks of the squirrels,” Lope said. “We’re starving out here, and now we’re losing a good source of water.”
The squirrels intend to protest Tesla in the coming weeks.
In the meantime, Tesla claims that the screens should be up and running in about a year. The Cope Fountain will be turned on for the last time today as a Tesla crew arrives to assess the pending construction site.
DISCLAIMER: This story is a part of our annual April Fools’ issue, this story is not real. Happy April Fools’ Day!
