liermanm2@lopers.unk.edu
Reports of rugged men in aprons and oven mitts continue to accumulate, with units being hit in Randall, Antelope and Nester over last weekend. Suspects have now been traced back to Men’s Hall, but their reign of chaos shows no signs of stopping.
Representatives from the building denied any knowledge of parties involved and said they had no knowledge of future raid targets.
“These attacks are, quite frankly, heinous and we would never stand for them to be originating from members of the Honors Program,” said Frank Berkshire, public relations officer for the Honors Culinary and Cuisine Co-op in between bites of a tasty Fairbury brand hot dog. “If we give in to every baseless accusation, we’re going to ruin what makes this program great. By the way, do you have any catsup?”
While anyone who eats their hotdogs with catsup is immediately suspect, hard evidence against Berkshire and the organization he represents has not come to light until just recently. Despite the denials, evidence tying the raid parties to Men’s Hall continues to mount. Witnesses have reported “goblinesque” figures hunched over boiling pots of water, occasionally jotting notes. Investigators recovered one such note in Nester Hall, using forensic evidence to tie the irregular ink flow pattern to those demonstrated by the pens distributed as Honors promotional materials in Men’s Hall.
Further evidence in the form of garbage analytics from previous years has also been key in tracing the source of the forays.
“If we look at the amount of hot dog packages in garbage bins today, it paints a very clear picture,” said Mack Enches, a senior researching garbage analytics. “The numbers for hot dog packages and wrappers simply are not in line with what they should be in Men’s Hall, and they’re up almost everywhere else. Really all that’s left is to find the perpetrators and catch them red-handed.”
Once contained to Men’s Hall’s second floor, hunting parties have now begun to search beyond their domain after the microwave was removed from the lobby at the beginning of the 2021-22 academic year.
According to some experts, the microwave was key to maintaining the delicate dorm culinary ecosystem.
“That microwave was holding the whole system up like Atlas,” said Freddie Burger, a junior majoring in sociology. “It really was the keystone that made it all work. I’m not sure how much longer this chaos can continue.”
The microwave served a critical role on the second floor of Men’s Hall, which has no stove tops in its kitchenette facilities. Students utilize the more robust hallway microwave to consistently cook such coveted dishes as buttered popcorn, red hot dogs and macaroni and cheese cups without the fear of overcooking or undercooking attached to the in-dorm microfridge units.
Without its stabilizing presence, fear and uncertainty have gripped campus as the Men’s Hall second floor residents search for alternative hot dog water heating facilities.
In the wake of raids on nearly every dorm building on campus, the community is on high alert. The College of Arts and Sciences has issued new policies on Bunsen burners and other incendiaries. Off-campus residents have begun preparing for the worst and are preemptively hiding pots and pans which might be used by attackers.
While investigations persist, no end is in sight to this culinary crisis.
