mcdonaldge@lopers.unk.edu
Ever since classes started this spring, Chick-fil-A has periodically ran out of waffle fries, but no one is more disgruntled than the campus squirrels. The beloved animals are rebelling against UNK students and faculty until they can feast on the dropped fries of passersby.
What has become known as “The Fury-Tailed Rebellion” started with a string of electrical problems across campus.
“The teeth impressions say it all,” said Bill Loney, the Facilities director. “If you ask me, [the squirrels] were the reason for the rolling blackouts we had this winter. It baffles me how those suckers can gnaw through copper wire without getting electrocuted.”
Loney said he suspects the squirrels’ body fat, courtesy of Chick-fil-A, serves as protection from the electricity. According to notafakeunkwebsite.com, the blackouts were caused by “increased wind speeds and below zero temperatures.”
When January ended, the squirrels emerged from hibernation to scamper across the branches.
Distinct chattering is coming from the treetops, sounding similar to, “Chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.” Some believe the chattering is the species broadcasting their request of Chick-fil-A fries.
The odd squirrel calls and attacks outside the Nebraskan Student Union may be directly related to the fry crisis or “fry-sis,” as students are calling it.
“I have rabies shots to prove it,” said UNK sophomore Kay Oss, with tears in her eyes. “I swear they can hear the sound of the Chick-fil-A bag. I just want my chicken, man.”
Local experts are doubtful.
“It’s mating season, and this time of year, Sciurus is known to chatter often and chase after potential mates,” said Dr. Jo King, biology professor and squirrel enthusiast. “There’s bound to be some aggression shown. The solution is to nurture the creatures with food suited to their natural environment — not to harm them by offering greasy food.”
Shortly after this interview, the Bruner Hall of Science was shut down due to “extreme temperatures causing pipes to freeze and break,” according to building manager, Anita Plummer.
However, an anonymous source suggested the flooding was “a hoax to cover up an attack made by the Fury-Tailed Rebellion.”
Rumor has it, the Bruner offices, including King’s, were ransacked with pinecones strewn across the floors and desks. Clean-up crews were spotted hauling truckloads of branches and nuts out of the building late at night.
Plummer denied Antelope reporters access to Bruner Hall because of “risks associated with the effects of flooding.” The anonymous source said that on the back of King’s leather chair were scratch marks resembling the word, “Traitor.”
Since the Bruner Hall flooding, the squirrels left the trees and concern has faded.
Some think the Fury-Tailed Rebellion has either surrendered or are planning to attack on April 1. Others believe the conspiracy that the squirrels are burrowing tunnels under campus, which may lead to potential cave-ins and sink holes below buildings.
Only one thing is certain. The chaos will not end until the rodents receive their desired peace offering — Chick-fil-A fries.
